Fear.

I think that fear is usually doubt in God. I guess that's what I'm learning. Everything in my life is beginning to revolve around whether or not I'm fully trusting God. No matter how hard I try, I don't feel like I can.

My anxiety is spiking. I guess it's the combination of all the spiritual problems, the self-consciousness, and college approaching. Lately, my body has been the source of a lot of anxiety. No clue why. I still don't have everything done for school in the fall. I won't have everything done until a week before class starts. I don't know where any of the money for books is going to come from.

I still feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. I don't feel like I'm meant to follow law. I don't know what's pulling me, or what direction I'm supposed to head in. I really need to get back into the Bible. Being human and easily distracted really, really sucks.

I've been wondering lately why we keep going back to things that have hurt us the most.

The Future

Last year, I had an opportunity to participate in an amazing program sponsored by the Center for Civic Education called "We the People: The Citizen and the Constitution", in which high school civics classes across the nation form constitutional teams to answer a series of questions based on CCE-issued text books. The classes form groups by unit according to the units in the textbook. For instance, the first unit in the textbook taught political philosophy and the foundations of the Constitution. That was my unit.

The teams study these subjects thoroughly and then answer their assigned questions, arranging a congressional hearing styled presentation to a panel of judges. After the presentation, the judges will ask questions about the presentation.

First, teams must compete in a district competition within their state. We were the only team in our district, so we presented and won without the suspense or anxiety of competition. Our AP Government class then won an underdog victory at states against one of the wealthier schools in the state, George Washington High School, advancing to nationals in Washington, D.C.

It was an amazing experience. The hours I spent studying John Locke, Thomas Hobbes, and other philosophers was more rewarding than anything. I found a new love in constitutional law. The experience in public speaking under enormous pressure really helped me develop my voice. My dad said that I really sounded like a lawyer and spoke with amazing passion at nationals, which really made me feel great, considering I have a great deal of anxiety when it comes to making presentations, especially in front of knowledgeable people.

Since then, I've decided to major in Philosophy in college and pursue a career in law. However, I've been thinking more and more about how on earth I could use this to minister or how on earth this could glorify God. I don't know what's so confusing. I guess it's the stereotype of the lying, exaggerating lawyer that gets me. The idea of helping guilty people walk free doesn't worry me. Those people are judged by God in the end, so man's court really means nothing.

I've also been having second thoughts on law in general. I love it, but I have no clue if that's really what I want to do. I am still interested in sports medicine and medicine in general, but I feel hindered by my mathematical and scientific ability. I still don't really know what I want. I know what I like, but not what I want.

Yeah, I've been asking God about it. Nothing, as far as I can tell. I'm getting more and more anxious about the rest of my life. I still want badly to study God academically and do his work in the world. I have no clue what I'm doing. D:

I didn't know it was going to be this hard.

I'm turning 18 on August 6. I was accepted to West Virginia University, but I should have gone to Bryn Athyn. I am majoring in Philosophy, but it should be Religious Studies. I am studying to become a lawyer, but I want to be a missionary.

What if my life and everything that I know I really want passes me by? I haven't been to church in forever. I haven't been to youth group in a couple weeks. I'm scared. I feel sick.

This is when someone says "Give it all to the Lord" and I sit there thinking "As if he'd take it." Yeah, my faith is suffering. I still believe he exists, but now I doubt his ability in a way only humans can.

On the outside, I guess I seem fine. On the inside, I am starting to hate myself and everything I am. I hate my body, my personality, how I treat people, how I've let people treat me, my lost trust in God. Everything.

And I feel like I'm going crazy. I know that my anxiety is spiking because of college coming up. It feels like nothing has been done (I'm still not signed up for orientation and I still don't know where I'm going to live, but it's all a waiting game now). I've been seeing things (products of my imagination and anxiety, most likely) out of the corners of my eyes. I've just been scared. Waiting until day to sleep because I don't want to wake up alone. I'm afraid of my dreams. I can't remember them, but I'm afraid.

I guess that a lot of people would tell me it's "The Enemy". "The Enemy" they talk about isn't just Satan or demons or whatever. It rests in all of the things we shouldn't do, the things we shouldn't say that speak death into our lives. "The Enemy" (to me) is simply the byproduct of the things we do that Satan would like us to do. Which I know would sound nuts to someone outside the "Christian scene" or whatever you'd like to call it. I don't care. If it sounds less crazy, call it "karma". It's the same principle to me, except with a terrible presence behind it.

Anyway...I'm trying to put myself back to another place.

People try to tear you down. Don't let them. I know that a lot of this is my fault. I'm so prone to negativity, and I let myself let God down by putting people down and putting myself down.

I don't know what's going on in my life. I don't know how I'm going to sort it. But I'm going to start with my faith, because that's all I can do now.