I didn't know it was going to be this hard.

I'm turning 18 on August 6. I was accepted to West Virginia University, but I should have gone to Bryn Athyn. I am majoring in Philosophy, but it should be Religious Studies. I am studying to become a lawyer, but I want to be a missionary.

What if my life and everything that I know I really want passes me by? I haven't been to church in forever. I haven't been to youth group in a couple weeks. I'm scared. I feel sick.

This is when someone says "Give it all to the Lord" and I sit there thinking "As if he'd take it." Yeah, my faith is suffering. I still believe he exists, but now I doubt his ability in a way only humans can.

On the outside, I guess I seem fine. On the inside, I am starting to hate myself and everything I am. I hate my body, my personality, how I treat people, how I've let people treat me, my lost trust in God. Everything.

And I feel like I'm going crazy. I know that my anxiety is spiking because of college coming up. It feels like nothing has been done (I'm still not signed up for orientation and I still don't know where I'm going to live, but it's all a waiting game now). I've been seeing things (products of my imagination and anxiety, most likely) out of the corners of my eyes. I've just been scared. Waiting until day to sleep because I don't want to wake up alone. I'm afraid of my dreams. I can't remember them, but I'm afraid.

I guess that a lot of people would tell me it's "The Enemy". "The Enemy" they talk about isn't just Satan or demons or whatever. It rests in all of the things we shouldn't do, the things we shouldn't say that speak death into our lives. "The Enemy" (to me) is simply the byproduct of the things we do that Satan would like us to do. Which I know would sound nuts to someone outside the "Christian scene" or whatever you'd like to call it. I don't care. If it sounds less crazy, call it "karma". It's the same principle to me, except with a terrible presence behind it.

Anyway...I'm trying to put myself back to another place.

People try to tear you down. Don't let them. I know that a lot of this is my fault. I'm so prone to negativity, and I let myself let God down by putting people down and putting myself down.

I don't know what's going on in my life. I don't know how I'm going to sort it. But I'm going to start with my faith, because that's all I can do now.