Fear.

I think that fear is usually doubt in God. I guess that's what I'm learning. Everything in my life is beginning to revolve around whether or not I'm fully trusting God. No matter how hard I try, I don't feel like I can.

My anxiety is spiking. I guess it's the combination of all the spiritual problems, the self-consciousness, and college approaching. Lately, my body has been the source of a lot of anxiety. No clue why. I still don't have everything done for school in the fall. I won't have everything done until a week before class starts. I don't know where any of the money for books is going to come from.

I still feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. I don't feel like I'm meant to follow law. I don't know what's pulling me, or what direction I'm supposed to head in. I really need to get back into the Bible. Being human and easily distracted really, really sucks.

I've been wondering lately why we keep going back to things that have hurt us the most.

The Future

Last year, I had an opportunity to participate in an amazing program sponsored by the Center for Civic Education called "We the People: The Citizen and the Constitution", in which high school civics classes across the nation form constitutional teams to answer a series of questions based on CCE-issued text books. The classes form groups by unit according to the units in the textbook. For instance, the first unit in the textbook taught political philosophy and the foundations of the Constitution. That was my unit.

The teams study these subjects thoroughly and then answer their assigned questions, arranging a congressional hearing styled presentation to a panel of judges. After the presentation, the judges will ask questions about the presentation.

First, teams must compete in a district competition within their state. We were the only team in our district, so we presented and won without the suspense or anxiety of competition. Our AP Government class then won an underdog victory at states against one of the wealthier schools in the state, George Washington High School, advancing to nationals in Washington, D.C.

It was an amazing experience. The hours I spent studying John Locke, Thomas Hobbes, and other philosophers was more rewarding than anything. I found a new love in constitutional law. The experience in public speaking under enormous pressure really helped me develop my voice. My dad said that I really sounded like a lawyer and spoke with amazing passion at nationals, which really made me feel great, considering I have a great deal of anxiety when it comes to making presentations, especially in front of knowledgeable people.

Since then, I've decided to major in Philosophy in college and pursue a career in law. However, I've been thinking more and more about how on earth I could use this to minister or how on earth this could glorify God. I don't know what's so confusing. I guess it's the stereotype of the lying, exaggerating lawyer that gets me. The idea of helping guilty people walk free doesn't worry me. Those people are judged by God in the end, so man's court really means nothing.

I've also been having second thoughts on law in general. I love it, but I have no clue if that's really what I want to do. I am still interested in sports medicine and medicine in general, but I feel hindered by my mathematical and scientific ability. I still don't really know what I want. I know what I like, but not what I want.

Yeah, I've been asking God about it. Nothing, as far as I can tell. I'm getting more and more anxious about the rest of my life. I still want badly to study God academically and do his work in the world. I have no clue what I'm doing. D:

I didn't know it was going to be this hard.

I'm turning 18 on August 6. I was accepted to West Virginia University, but I should have gone to Bryn Athyn. I am majoring in Philosophy, but it should be Religious Studies. I am studying to become a lawyer, but I want to be a missionary.

What if my life and everything that I know I really want passes me by? I haven't been to church in forever. I haven't been to youth group in a couple weeks. I'm scared. I feel sick.

This is when someone says "Give it all to the Lord" and I sit there thinking "As if he'd take it." Yeah, my faith is suffering. I still believe he exists, but now I doubt his ability in a way only humans can.

On the outside, I guess I seem fine. On the inside, I am starting to hate myself and everything I am. I hate my body, my personality, how I treat people, how I've let people treat me, my lost trust in God. Everything.

And I feel like I'm going crazy. I know that my anxiety is spiking because of college coming up. It feels like nothing has been done (I'm still not signed up for orientation and I still don't know where I'm going to live, but it's all a waiting game now). I've been seeing things (products of my imagination and anxiety, most likely) out of the corners of my eyes. I've just been scared. Waiting until day to sleep because I don't want to wake up alone. I'm afraid of my dreams. I can't remember them, but I'm afraid.

I guess that a lot of people would tell me it's "The Enemy". "The Enemy" they talk about isn't just Satan or demons or whatever. It rests in all of the things we shouldn't do, the things we shouldn't say that speak death into our lives. "The Enemy" (to me) is simply the byproduct of the things we do that Satan would like us to do. Which I know would sound nuts to someone outside the "Christian scene" or whatever you'd like to call it. I don't care. If it sounds less crazy, call it "karma". It's the same principle to me, except with a terrible presence behind it.

Anyway...I'm trying to put myself back to another place.

People try to tear you down. Don't let them. I know that a lot of this is my fault. I'm so prone to negativity, and I let myself let God down by putting people down and putting myself down.

I don't know what's going on in my life. I don't know how I'm going to sort it. But I'm going to start with my faith, because that's all I can do now.

What can separate me now?

I was just thinking about how broken hearted God must be each time we turn from him. If he is love, if he gives perfect love, and we deny that, how much would that hurt? Pouring everything you are into someone, and having them look away from you...it sucks to even think about. Of course, this is from a human standpoint. I'm clueless as to God's nature. I guess we all are.

We should all be able to relate to this idea. If you've ever been rejected by someone you really loved or cared for, then it must be at least a fraction of what we do to him when we forget him.

Now I'm thinking about how this relates to me. How no matter how many times I've been screwed over, I've kept going, with this insane mixture of emotions/feelings/weirdness all at once. Love. Hate. Even fear, for some weird, all too human reason. Can you imagine, as we are, trying to handle the world? I can barely even deal with my own life. I don't even want to begin to think about the problems of billions of individual beings with specific needs and personalities. Especially when you realize that the problems of each person bleed into at least a few others.

So I guess denying God is pretty rude. lol.

I've been getting pretty excited about Creation. Especially 'cause Skillet's going to be there, and I definitely love me some Skillet. xD

Speaking of Skillet, I've been listening to Collide a lot lately. There's some lyrics that really hit me as I heard them. Especially from "Savior", "Under My Skin", and "A Little More".

Everything's gonna crash and break,
Gonna be your savior.

It sounds totally simple, but that's how simple it really is. Everything falls apart, and there's one fix. We spend too much time complicating stuff. It's true that there's only one constant in our lives, and that's God.

The sweet serenity,
I'm beautifully addicted.
You are more than I can take,
I crave you undiluted.

"I crave you undiluted." I keep repeating this in my head. It means so much. It explains one of my relationships so well. I know, I know, I should be relating this to God...but I need from my friend what I fell in love with. I crave what he was when he wasn't so conflicted within himself. There's always a reason why you like someone, you know. There's always at least one thing about someone.

When I hurt, when I bleed,
You're holding me,
Feel you scratching at the surface,
Under my skin.

Could I be lost, could I disappear?
Could I be lost, would you find me here?
Could I be lost in a secret place?
Could I rest in the shadow of your face?
Sweet serenity, beautifully a part of me.

I am lost; come find me.

Oh, let the world crash, love can take it,
Oh, let the world come crashing down.
Oh, let the world crash, love can take it.
Love can take a little, love can give a little more.

How optimistic. How idealistic. How beautiful. How true. :)

While I'm talking about love...

I always felt like I could reach that love, you know? That idea of perfection in love. There's been so many times when I've sacrificed, when I've gone without, when I've shown love where others would have given up. I always thought that made me a good person.

I'm starting to find out how much I can take.

So, I made a new blog.

I don't even remember the last time I blogged, or what it was about, or why it was important, or if it was. So...let's try again.

It's been an important year in my life. I'm growing up, I guess. That's all I know how to say. I don't know what kind of person I'm becoming, but hopefully it all turns out.

Back in...I'm thinking February or so, I decided to attend a DTS before attending college. DTS stands for Discipleship Training School. The YWAM DTS page explains better than I can.

•To gather and challenge people to worship, listen to and obey God, releasing them (in the context of the DTS) to serve through evangelism, intercession, acts of compassion and other expressions of God's heart for the world, possibly even pioneering new ministries.
•To inspire and cultivate growth in one's relationship with God resulting in Christ like character, which is based on a solid Biblical foundation, the work of the Holy Spirit and the personal application of Biblical truth, especially concerning God's Character, the Cross and empowering Grace.
•To sharpen one's ability to relate to, learn from and work with people, including those of different cultures, personalities and perspectives.
•To further equip each one to serve God's purposes either in or outside of YWAM Family of Ministries, strengthening a commitment to reach the lost, especially the unreached, to care for the poor, and to influence all areas of society.
•To impart the vision and foundational values of Youth With A Mission International as well as that of the host operating location and to provide information regarding a variety of opportunities for service.

I'm hoping to grow closer in my relationship with God and maybe find out about my limits through outreach. Of course, I've always wanted to travel. That's important. But what's more important is the good I could do in this world, not just through regular philanthropy, but through God and leading others to him.

It's weird, because I realize how stupid this sounds to other people, but I don't care. I'm happy to feel like I'm getting past that weird awkwardness that comes with being a Christian sometimes.

I'm hoping to maybe use this blog to track my growth in life in general and in relation to my relationship with God. If I remember it exists. lol. Hopefully it works, and I have something to look back on. :3

I guess I'll start with a little bit about what's going on in my life right now. I'm struggling to depend on God. You know how you're supposed to "lift it all up to Him" and all that kind of stuff? Well, it's a lot harder than it sounds. I guess because we don't feel like something intangible can have control in our lives. I know that's the whole problem people have with Christianity, having faith in the untouchable. Some assume that Christians are these idiots who blindly follow what they're told, but the truth is we have just as much trouble accepting Christ as everyone else sometimes.

My best friend recently betrayed me. I don't want to really go into it, but let's just say it's causing me the worst pain I've ever felt...since the last time this person did it. I'm fighting to let God take it, but it's so hard to admit that I have no control over this situation. Nobody has control over anything that involves other people. Sometimes it feels like we don't have control over ourselves. I guess that's how my friend feels.

I know he isn't a bad person. I still care for him a lot, and I'm worried about his emotional state at the moment, to be quite honest. I feel like I can't be as close to him or even forgive him yet. The time isn't right. It's not something I have justification for; it's just something I feel.

We've both had to work together in recent days to help out our close friends. We have a pretty tightly knit group, so it's kind of difficult to stay apart, especially when they depend on us for support. It's weird, but we're the therapists in the group. We're forced to work together because we have the words. We have the experience.

That's what I spent today doing. I felt so hindered by the fact that he was there, though. I was too caught up in our stupid drama to even think clearly. I realized during this that we define ourselves by the very worst things about ourselves. Cutter. Liar. Thief. Addict. And as for myself? I don't know. I don't know what one word I've set up for myself. The word I might as well use as my name. Probably "Asshole."

It isn't right that we do this to ourselves. We have so much potential to be beautifully complex individuals, but we don't use it. We waste it on our own stupid dramatics.

I wonder how we become everything we could possibly be? How could we ever possibly use everything we were given to become something so much more than what we are? I wanna know so I can do it. :D